Princess Lucy's Great Adventure
by iLuvHawkeye
Summary: This is when most fairy tales are blurred together, and the heroine is a new Rapunzel with some spunkcrappy summary, I know, but please read and review anyway!
1. Escape!

A/N: I came up w/ this plot, which is probably why it sucks so bad.  
  
Hi. My name is Lucy, and it's really nice to meet you. What? Oh, get on with it already? Well, fine, excuuuuse me! Nah, just kidding. Well, anyway, here's the story, taken directly from pages of my diary!  
  
Well, today has been a most productive day. Since this is my first entry, just wanna let you know that I have been held captive by a witch for as long as I can remember. I have resided in a high tower since I was 7, locked in. There are no stairs or elevators, unfortunately.  
  
I survived because the witch would bring me food and water. How? Oh, well, simple, really. She'd climb up my hair.  
  
I have really long hair, just so you know, but it really, really, REALLY hurts when somebody is grabbing your hair and dragging their 145 pound body up it!  
  
And she would choose exactly the wrong times to come, too. Whenever I'm painting my nails or giving myself a spa treatment, it's always: "Lucy, Lucy, let down your hair!" In this really croaky, disgusting voice. So, if I wanna eat, I have to let her climb up my newly washed hair and get it all gross and icky again. (Witches don't have sanitation very high on their to- do-lists.)  
  
Well, I had been saving all the cloth she brought me to sew my own clothes, and today I got the final shipment I needed. I had measured very carefully (I know a wee bittie of math), and figured that this would pretty much sum it all up.  
  
So, just as I had finished tying all the cloth, bed-linens, and towels together, I heard this really faint cry of, "Lucy, Lucy, let down your hair!" So, rolling my eyes and really sick of all this hair business, I put down my hair, but grabbed a tomato with my hand, and when the person came up, I smacked it on his face. So, there I was, standing there, a little mortified as I realized that it wasn't the witch. It was actually a prince.  
  
"Oops," I said in a small voice. "Sorry?" "No problem," the prince said with a strained smile. "Anyway," he took a deep breath and said in this dramatic tone, "Lucy, be my wife! Please accept my hand in holy matrimony! Oh, Lucy, be mine?"  
  
And, genius that I was, I said, "What?" So, looking at me disgustedly, he began all over again.  
  
"Why?" I interrupted. "Why what?" the prince asked in confusion. "Why do you want to marry me?" I asked.  
  
"Well-"he fumbled around in his cape, and pulled out a thick book entitled, **Fairy** **Tales for Idiots**. "Because it says that I rescue Rapunzel, or in this case Lucy, as my wife from the tower. That's why." "I don't even know you!" I cried out. Sighing, he touched his forehead in exasperation. "Fine, all right, then," he intoned. "I am Prince Edri. You are Princess Lucy. Be mine?"  
  
"You sound like one of those valentine candy hearts," I drawled. "Ooh, I love those!" he exclaimed. My eyes lighting up, I exclaimed, "Me too! I love the white ones!" Edri gagged. "As if," he said. "The purples are so much better."  
  
"We're getting a little off subject here," I noticed. "Right!" he cleared his throat. "Where were we?" "You were telling me why you wanted to marry me," I pointed out. "Oh, right." He cleared his throat again. "Because the book says so. That's why."  
  
"You don't love me then," I said. "Well, not really," he admitted. I shoved him out of the tower, and didn't turn around as I heard his scream-but when he thudded on the ground, I couldn't help but look.  
  
He had landed right in the middle of a bramble bush, and was trying to pick thorns out of his side. I stifled my laughter in my bed.  
  
That image has provided me amusement all day. Anyhow, after he had left, I let down my cloth rope. It took forever for it to actually reach the ground.  
  
So, taking a deep breath, and my cloth sack with all my valuables in it, I climbed out of the tower window, and started inching my way down the rope, trying not to pay attention to the fact that I was several stories high. Literally. I mean, Cinderella, Snow White, and the original Rapunzel story- books were stacked high next to me.  
  
Anyway, I managed to reach the ground with only a few minor injuries, and I ran as hard as I could, dragging my long blonde hair behind me, getting it filthy as expected. I would have pulled it up, but I had left my super- elastic head-bands behind at the tower. (See, normal hair-bands don't hold my hair up; they snap within seconds. My hair's really strong. blush)  
  
And so eventually I found this shelter, which I am entirely grateful for, even though half my hair is still outside getting soaked in the rain.  
  
But oh well. Oh, wait a second! I think I hear something! sigh Well, it's definitely that dratted Prince Edri again, pleading for my hand in marriage. Gimme a break. Hey, he's pulling me out by my hair!  
  
Wait, don't you dare-AH!!!!!  
  
A/N: Well, even though this majorly sucks, I'm having fun writing it!! Please review! 


	2. Meeting Up With Han and Grets

I cannot believe him. I seriously can't believe his nerve! He pulled me out BY MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!  
  
Does he have any idea of how much being pulled out of a cave by your hair hurts??? Well, I'll tell you how much. It hurts like being dumped by a treasured boyfriend, losing your favorite doll/book/movie/whatever, and hitting your head on a brick wall. THAT, my friends, is how much it hurt.  
  
Well, I showed him! I dragged him around the clearing by the scruff of his neck, making sure his face bumped into some roots and poison ivy. Then I ran. Again.  
  
Seriously, it seems like all I'm doing nowadays is running. Well, anyway, I ran away, leaving dear Prince Edri to his moans and groans and fevered itching of his nose and cheek bones, and eventually found another shelter where all my hair could fit in, which was really a miracle.  
  
So, I pulled out my favorite book from my sack, and opened it up. The title? **Fairy Tales for Idiots**. Yes, yes, I know Edri likes it too, but this was the only copy of a fairy tale book that I was given, and I enjoy it very much.  
  
Only a few of these books remain in print, so it's actually worth a lot of money. Forty nine cents, actually. Okay, okay, so it's worthless. Who really cares?  
  
Anyway, I was flipping through the book, looking for an interesting fairy tale to read, when I realized that something weird had happened to my book. Right where **Snow White and the Seven Dwarves** used to be, was a new title.  
  
**Princess Lucy's Great Adventure**. A little confused, I turned the page and gasped. There was a picture of me, pushing Edri out of the window of the tower.  
  
I started reading and laughed aloud at some of the words. It included details of conversations I'd had, how I pushed Edri out of the window, and how I had dragged Edri around and around the forest clearing. But when I turned the page to see what happened after I found this new shelter, it was blank. And so were the next few pages.  
  
So, I supposed that I was to make the rest of the story myself. And interesting predicament, I thought to myself, but I had always wanted to write a book. In a way, I supposed I was.  
  
So, very exhausted and tired, I closed my book, shut my eyes, and went to sleep.  
  
The next morning, I continued on my way, just feeling so happy. Why? Because I was walking in grass that I hadn't seen or felt for nearly 7 years. I was touching trees, leaves, and dirt that I hadn't touched for almost half my life!  
  
I was seeing animals up close, I was living life how it was meant to be lived! I was so happy, so blissfully ignorant that even though beauty existed, I neglected the fact that evil still existed as well. That was why I was unprepared for what happened next.  
  
I had been eating bread, cheese, and salted meat for a few days now, so I was very tired of the same things to eat, so you'll understand that when I saw a beautiful, sweet-smelling house, I wasn't thinking very clearly.  
  
I approached it cautiously, having never smelled anything so sweet. I touched a window pane, and it crumbled off into my hand. I jumped slightly, sniffed it, and licked it. My eyes brightened at once. It tasted as good as it smelled-nae, better!  
  
So, immediately, I licked the wall to the house, and licked my lips eagerly as I continued to snack on the house.  
  
Suddenly, the door creaked open, and an old crone stumbled out, her face angry. "Nibble, nibble, like a mouse!" she croaked. "Who's eating at my house?"  
  
All of a sudden, it all clicked in. **Hansel and Gretel**! My mind screamed at me, "Get out, now!"  
  
"Um, I'm sorry, ma'am," I said, flustered, trying to sneak away from her. "I didn't realize-"  
  
But by then, the witch realized that I was a human-or rather, edible. "Oh, no," she crooned at me, stretching her arms out. "Please, come inside and eat some better food. The sweets on my house are old, decaying. I can give you something so much better." I didn't realize that the witch was using her words to spin a spell around me.  
  
My last conscious thought, as I entered the candy house, was "I wish I had a good brain. Then I could weasel out of this using my wits. Oh, well, maybe I'll-"  
  
Then everything went black.  
  
When I awoke, I was in a cage, my hair draped all over me, making me sneeze violently. "Oh, you're awake," a young, girly, British voice said to my right. Trying to turn my head, I nearly strangled myself as I choked on my blond hair.  
  
"That is it," I grumbled to myself as I pulled hair out of my throat. "I am getting this stupid, inconceivably long hair cut!"  
  
I managed to look at the girl. She was filthy, her pretty blonde hair matted and filled with nits, I'm sure, with tears rolling down her cheeks.  
  
"Hi, I'm Lucy," I said to her. "I'm presuming you're Gretel." The girl nodded meekly. "You aren't supposed to be in this story," she protested. "Somebody got the pages mixed up," I said to her, rolling my eyes. "You can never trust publishing companies." This at least brought a small smile to her face.  
  
"So, Grets," I said to her. "Where's Hansel?" "Over there," Gretel pointed to the ceiling, where Hansel hung from a steel cage, where the witch was showering him with food, trying to make him plump.  
  
"How will we get out of this?" Gretel whispered, starting to cry again. "Hey, don't worry about it, Grets," I comforted her. "Listen, when the witch asks you to test the oven for its hotness, don't go in. Simple!"  
  
Gretel looked at me like I was crazy, and I'm sure I sounded like I was. "Okay," she said slowly, trying to decide if I was insane and dangerous, or truthful and insane. Either one was probably not a comforting idea to a girl her age.  
  
Days passed slowly, my hair stifling me, Gretel's incessant weeping getting annoying, my stomach growling constantly. One time the witch tried to cut off my hair, just because, as she put it, "Hair doesn't go well with freshly baked human."  
  
But Gretel and I managed to...how shall I put this...persuade her not to touch it. That witch was clutching her middle for weeks. giggle So funny, that thought.  
  
Anyway, eventually the witch got impatient for her wonderfully delicious Hansel casserole, so, as I knew she would, she let Gretel out of the cage and asked her to test the oven's heat. I nodded at her, and she said, "I don't know how."  
  
"Just stick your head in there, and see!" the witch said crossly, getting relatively hungry. "Why don't you show me?" Gretel suggested. I prayed the witch would succumb to dumbness as a result of her extreme state of hunger, and she did. She stuck her head in, and Gretel shoved her inside the oven and locked it.  
  
"Aw, right, Grets!" I cheered, drowning out the evil woman's shrieks. Gretel grabbed the keys from the wall where they hung, and unlocked the door for me. "Here, let me help you down, Han," I said to Hansel, quickly helping him down from his cage.  
  
"Princess Lucy, you have our undying gratitude," Hansel addressed me, holding his sister's hand tightly. "How can we ever thank you?" Gretel asked.  
  
I smiled. "Stay away from sweets: not only will they give you a stomach- ache, but you might have to suffer at the hands of a wicked witch. Just a hint."  
  
The siblings stared at me like I was crazy. "Riiight," they said together. "Well, bye!" And they ran off, Gretel saying to her brother, "I know she saved us, but I think we ought to report her to Bellevue."  
  
I smiled again. Kids these days. I continued to walk after gathering candy from the witch's house, and walked on, enjoying the day.  
  
A wicked witch was dead because of me. Well, mostly Gretel, but-hey, I helped.  
  
Okay, whoever is creating what's happening in my story-stop! Because Edri just ran up to me and started blethering about wanting to marry me. I swear, when this story is finished and I live happily ever after, I am going to kill whoever created the idea for this story...oh, qwi13, is it?  
  
Just you wait, qwi! I will hunt you down, and make you pay for my suffering!! But right now, I'm going to run...ooh! I hate my life!! 


	3. A Cabin

Have you ever experienced a life or death situation? I have, several times. And you know what? Every single time, Edri has something to do with it. Either he's gone clinically insane and starts trying to kill him, or he has temporary fits of insanity and tries to persuade me to marry him. Whenever he tries to convince me how wonderful life would be with us together, I try to run. Whenever I run, I somehow get into trouble. Am I the only one here sensing a pattern?  
  
Anyway, last chapter, I was screaming obscenities at qwi13 for making my life and story so miserable. Okay, well, let's start the story again...  
  
"Qwi13!" I screamed into the night sky as I ran. "I swear, I am going to kill you! Someday, somehow, I will kill you for my suffering!" "My darling!" came the distant cry of "Prince" Edri from behind me. He was panting for breath and groaning, probably because he couldn't run in those fancy knickerbockers he calls pants.  
  
"You know you love me!" Edri screamed at me. I resisted the urge to yell back, "Ha! You wish!" I was trying to preserve my energy and breath for as long as I could. I ducked behind a cottage and hastily pulled my hair in after me.  
  
I waited for about ten minutes until Edri finally clomped on by, screaming into the empty woods about his divine love for me. Then, I allowed myself to relax. The next morning, after a restless night, I knocked on the cottage door and a grungy looking woman opened it.  
  
"Um, hi," I said, looking her over. "Whaddya want?" she growled at me. "Well, see, I've been kind of lost, and I was getting kinda hungry, so if you have any food you could spare, that'd be great," I said, all in one breath.  
  
"Get in," she growled, thrusting the door open wider. "Thank you," I said as I stepped inside. The woman closed the door on my hair. "Ow!" I squealed, and yanked the door open as I pulled the rest of it in. My hair filled half of the cabin.  
  
"Sorry if it gets dirty," the woman said, trying to find a clear patch of wood to step on without slipping in my wet hair. "Oh, you can just step on it," I said. "No problem." I instantly regretted it as pain came tingling through to my head. Nevertheless, I kept my mouth shut.  
  
"Me and Jack don't have much," the woman said. "All we have really is some milk and cheese." "Oh, that would be fine," I said, suddenly very grateful to this strange lady. "As long as it's not cow cheese. I only eat goat cheese." "Sorry, lady," the woman grunted as she leaned over the fireplace. "Only got a cow, and Jack sold her yesterday. Would you believe the stupid lad sold her for five, supposedly "magic" beans?" She shook her head sadly. "Why was I cursed with a stupid son?"  
  
I suddenly had a very funny feeling. "Jack?" I asked in a squeaky voice. "Magic beans?" "Yeah," the woman answered, and thrust a wooden cup and a slab of cheese into my hands. "Dig in," she said.  
  
I smiled weakly, and eyed the cow cheese with mild disgust. Oh, well, there's a first time for everything, I thought, and hesitantly bit into it. It was delicious.  
  
I quickly ate the cheese and drank the milk, and even though I was still hungry, I excused myself from the table, and ran outside to the other side of the cabin-and looked up.  
  
Sure enough, there was the trouble-making beanstalk. I looked around, shrugged, and started climbing. I had just started to change my mind because my hair was continually being caught when I decided that climbing wasn't so bad after all.  
  
What changed my mind? A certain annoying prince who acted more like a spoiled brat who always wanted everything his way had just run up and was calling to me, "Oh, my dearest Princess Lucy! Do not climb up there! You wilst die!" Then he dropped the fancy speech and screamed, "Lucy! Lucy!" When I didn't answer, and kept climbing he yelled up, "Well, fine! But when your bones are crushed into bread by that giant, don't come running to me!" I laughed at him. "Have I ever come running to you?" I called down to him. He was silent for a while, so I laughed again and kept climbing.  
  
After a while, I began to get the hang of it, and I was climbing faster than anybody on earth could, I was sure. I even saw a faint outline of a boy climbing up as well. "Yo! Jack!" I yelled. The figure stopped climbing and looked down in astonishment as I scaled my way up to him and perched atop a branch and looked down at him with a smile. "Heya," I grinned. Jack, a small boy for his age, had curly brown hair, freckles, and chocolate brown eyes that right now looked very shocked.  
  
"You're not supposed to be in this story!" he whispered. "Why are you whispering?" I whispered to him. "I'm not sure, actually," Jack replied, his eyes darting around nervously. "Anyway, you're not supposed to be in this story!" "Tell that to the editor of the book," I replied. "She apparently thinks it's hilarious."  
  
"Oh." Jack nodded. "Well, shall we press on?" I said in a British accent. "Uh-huh," Jack agreed, and we continued to climb up the beanstalk, up, up, to the clouds.  
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long to update, not like anybody's actually READING, since there are NO REVIEWS. 


	4. Jackie Boy

A/N: Thanks to all the people who have left reviews: namely, Romulan Empress, Lil Lillian 14, and curligurli. You guys totally rock!  
  
As we climbed up the beanstalk, Jack kept glancing around nervously, as if he expected something to happen. Whenever I tried to start a conversation, he would always either yes, no, or maybe, or he wouldn't bother to answer at all.  
  
I figured this kid was just totally mute or something. Maybe his mom had never taught him how to speak, besides a few key words. Or maybe he spoke another language! Now, there's an idea, I thought to myself.  
  
"Hola!" I said loudly, with a heavy 'h'. He looked at me like I was crazy. "No Spanish? Okay, how about...Guten tag!" I looked at him with hopeful expectancy. He continued to climb without glancing my way. I suppose he figured that I was a certifiable crazy girl. "All right, how about this one: bonjour!" He just kept moving.  
  
Finally I decided to use English: "Kid, do you speak English?" "Yeah," he replied, trying to find a strong enough branch to support his weight. "Well, why won't you talk to me?" I asked. "Because, I want this story to go according to the script," he answered tightly. "You're invading my story!"  
  
"Well, it's not like I can help it!" I said, very offended. "I didn't ask to be here! Besides, I'm trying to escape a loony who keeps begging me to marry him!" Jack looked at me with renewed respect. I'm not sure why.  
  
"Listen," I said. "I've already ruined **Hansel and Gretel**. I just want to get back to my own story. I figure that maybe I can find my way back up here. I just hope I don't have to live in that creepy tower again."  
  
Jack eyed me. "**Rapunzel**?" he asked. "Well, more like a revised version of it," I said. "I'm her daughter, Lucy." "Nice ta meet ya," he said. "How'd you get out of your tower, anyway?" "Well, I tied together bedsheets and cloth and stuff," I explained as I sat down on a branch to rest. Jack joined me, and we swung our legs out over the clouds.  
  
"So, this loony you're talkin' about," he started. "He's not your Prince Charming?" "Nope," I replied. "He's a jerk called Prince Edri. See, I'm not supposed to meet my true love until I'm 16. I'm only 14. Well, that's what my book says."  
  
"You have a book?" Jack asked, his curiosity piqued. I hauled my hair up and eyed it with dismay. There were so many twigs and leaves. "Yeah," I said, picking chunks of leaves out of my hair. "**Fairy Tales for Idiots**. I'm in it. So are you. Hey..." A thought struck me, so I pulled the book out of my gown.  
  
I laughed, and showed him **Jack and the Beanstalk**. There, on the first page, was a picture of us, sitting on the branch we were on now, just talking and looking over the clouds. Jack laughed too, the first time I had actually heard him laugh.  
  
"I wonder what the readers will think of this," I chuckled. "Maybe they'll like it," Jack suggested. "Yeah. Maybe," I said.  
  
"Who's the person doing this, anyway?" Jack asked. "Um, as far as I know- since I looked in the front pages-her screen-name (whatever that is) is qwi13. So I'm assuming she's the one behind my suffering," I said.  
  
Jack looked slightly confused, but nodded. "You ready to keep going?" he asked. "You don't mind if I come?" I asked. "Hey. You're more fun than my own dismal imaginations," he shrugged.  
  
I laughed, and we continued to climb as I thought murderous things about qwi13.  
  
A LITTLE LATER...  
  
We finally reached the top of the beanstalk, and we were both exhausted. Panting, Jack reached down to help me up. It took about two minutes to pull my hair up, which was beginning to really, really, REALLY annoy me. I mean, let's face it: long hair is good for when all you do is mope around inside, but outdoors, it is really just a nuisance. I resolved to have my hair cut- as in yesterday!  
  
We started walking towards the giant castle in the distance, where danger surely awaited us.  
  
AT THE CASTLE...  
  
Jack and I creaked open the huge door-which took both of us, as it was very heavy, and just my luck-my hair got caught.  
  
"Jack!" I hissed to him as he creeped ahead. He glanced back, and his eyes widened in alarm.  
  
He ran back to me, and asked urgently, "Are you okay?" I was in serious pain, but wasn't about to let him see it. He and I had gotten very close, and now he felt just like a little brother. "Um...well...no, not exactly," I winced as a couple of hairs let go.  
  
"Do you have a knife?" I asked. He cut the very ends off, still leaving me a lot of it. I stumbled forward, my head aching with pain. "Thanks," I grunted, and he nodded. "Come on!" he whispered, and we crept forward again.  
  
"You see any geese or harps around here?" he asked me. "There's a goose!" I pointed up to the top of a cupboard. "How will we get up there?" Jack asked, dismayed. "There is a reason I keep my hair long, you know!" I replied tartly, and flicked my hair up to the top of the counter, where it swirled around a stationary loaf of bread.  
  
"Will it hold me?" Jack asked worriedly. "Oh, sure," I said. "Will it hurt you?" he asked. "Only a little," I said. "Besides you weigh less than that overweight witch!" He stifled a laugh, and started to climb. When he was out of earshot I let out a pained, "Ow."  
  
He was finally up, and he grabbed the goose, and jumped down, landing on a pile of crumbs.  
  
Just then, I smelled trouble. "Fee fie foe fum!" came a distant rumble. "I smell the blood of an Englishman!" "And a Gaelic!" I retorted, infuriated. "Come on!" Jack grabbed my hand and we dashed for the door, and were out before the giant even entered the room.  
  
We ran as fast as was possibly possible for the beanstalk, Jack and I taking turns holding the heavy bird. Just as we reached the beanstalk, we heard a roar from the castle. "Uh-oh," Jack said uneasily. "He doesn't sound too happy about losing his fortune!" "He'll get over it!" I blew him off. "Besides, he's just a ninny! Couldn't hurt a fly!" The ground shook as he ran towards the beanstalk. "I take it back!" I slid down the beanstalk, Jack right behind me with the goose in his arms.  
  
We finally reached the bottom, and Jack thrust the goose in my direction as he ran for an axe. But when he got it, he couldn't hold up its weight, and succeeded only in thudding it into the ground.  
  
"Give me that!" I said, giving the goose to him, and taking the axe from him. I spit into my hands, and gave the axe a mighty swing, and in about ten minutes flat, the beanstalk was wavering , supported by only a tiny thread. "Here you go, Jackie boy!" I said, handing him the axe. He looked at me incredulously, and succeeded in chopping down the last little bit of the beanstalk. I yelled, "Timber!" as the beanstalk and the giant fell to the ground.  
  
I heard that the Chinese were not to happy about finding a giant exploding from the ground on their Chinese New Year. He wrecked all the celebrations and gobbled up Chinese bones that were ground into bread...but that's a little too gruesome to retell.  
  
Anyway, Jack and his mother thanked me several times, and I got a little teary-eyed having to leave Jack. He was the closest thing to a relative I really had. Anyway, the bond between us was strong. He would always be my little brother.  
  
But eventually I left, and that night, as I camped out under the stars with a steady fire going, I laughed as I opened my story book and saw an illustration of me chopping down the beanstalk, Jack looking bewildered by my side.  
  
A/N: Please review, and let me know what you think! I had such fun writing this chapter! 


	5. Goldi and Gaston

The next day, I continued walking, and I suddenly realized that I had no idea where I was headed. I didn't really even have a purpose! All I really knew was, I had to get somewhere, and that somewhere had to be away from Prince Edri.  
  
So, as I ran aimlessly through the forest, Prince Edri huffing and puffing threats and romantic sweet-talk behind me, I decided I would become a wanderer. I'd invade other stories. (Now, I realize that it was rude and impolite, but back then I had no proper up-bringing.)  
  
Eventually I lost him, and when I saw another wood cabin, I was relieved beyond reason. So, I stopped by. Unfortunately, nobody was there. Well, actually, that's not quite true. A small, blonde girl was sitting inside the cabin before three bowls of what looked like oatmeal-only with way more lumps than was good for you. The worst thing was, she was sampling the horrid stuff one bowl at a time! I nearly threw up just thinking about eating it.  
  
"Hmm...this one's too cold," the girl decided, and tasted the next one. A pleased look sprang up on her face and she sighed, "This one's just right!" I rolled my eyes. It was all too clear where I had wandered into now. **Goldilocks and the Three Bears**. Could this get any worse?  
  
I plopped down on the seat next to her, and a surprised look came over her face, and then she only looked annoyed. In a snotty voice she asked, "And whom, may I ask, are you? You aren't scheduled to be in this fairy tale." "I'm Lucy," I said, sticking out my hand. She only looked at it in disdain, her pretty little nose wrinkled. "How unpleasant to meet you," she grimaced to me.  
  
I withdrew my hand. "Don't you realize it's rude to cut into MY time in the spotlight?" Goldi asked me. "Don't you realize it's rude to cut into someone ELSE'S house, eat their food, wreck their chairs, and sleep in their beds?" I shot back. She had no answer for that one.  
  
I eventually headed upstairs, where I set my bag down on the floor and got out my book. I did a little reading while I rested on the windowsill, but unfortunately I got a little drowsy and fell asleep.  
  
I remember thinking, "_Some famous fairy tale stars are just not all they're cracked up to be. Goldi here is proof of that I suppose. I guess I'd better forget asking for Her Majesty's autograph..."  
_  
The next thing I knew, I was jolted awake by a furry hand-or should I say paw? I froze, and slowly looked up to see an angry bear looking at me. I smiled sheepishly. "Um, hi?" I squeaked. I could tell these bears meant business, so in a flash I had grabbed my bag and was falling out of the windowsill.  
  
As I hit the ground and turned my fall into a roll and started running, I heard Goldi's terrified scream in the distance. "_Good,"_ I thought_, "maybe the baby bear sat on her. That'll bring Her Majesty down a peg or two."  
_  
My pleasure at hearing Goldi's fear soon turned to blatant annoyance as I once again heard that dratted Prince Edri proclaiming his wondrous love and hatred for me.  
  
But this time I had had enough. I let my bag down, and turned to see him rushing towards me at full speed. So, as he drew within arms reach of me, I let my fist fly right into his face. It was like he had hit a brick wall. He fell with a thud, and I realized that one of his teeth was embedded in my fist. I dug it out, and put it into his loosely curled fist where he lay unconscious on the ground, and continued.  
  
That image always provides me with such amusement! I'm sorry, but it's just so funny, I can't stop laughing, I can't-  
  
Ahem. Right. You're not interested in my amusement, are you? I didn't think so. Okay, well, moving right along.  
  
I wandered around in the forest for a few more days, just hoping that I would eventually find somewhere to rest, maybe eat a few crumbs of bread, maybe cut my hair or...I don't know. Actually experience a day of joy for the first time in my life.  
  
I wanted to go dancing, I wanted to go and drink myself under the table, and then I would eat a half-pound steak and THEN I would sleep for 48 hours straight. Yeah. Right. Maybe in a thousand years or so!  
  
But, when I spotted a lodge up ahead, I figured, what the heck? Edri's out cold, anyway, it's not like he'll be able to track me real fast, I mean, why not have a little fun?  
  
So, I hiked up to the lodge, where it was warm, light, and very spacious. There were lots of men there, but they didn't bother me as they probably figured it'd be hard to make out with my hair in the way. So, I ordered myself an extra-dry martini. (I'd always wanted one of those, and they're still my favorite drink today! I want EXTRA dry martinis though-no wet. Just dry. As in desert dry.)  
  
So, as I sipped the most delicious drink on the planet, I watched as the people held a little sing-along, singing the praises of some...Gaston fellow or other. Then it hit me.  
  
Once more, I had stumbled into yet ANOTHER story-line. This time, I was apparently gonna ruin Beauty's life. Well, anyway, this Gaston fellow had had too much to drink and was totally flirting with me.  
  
I won't give any explicit details as this is a G-rated fairy tale book, but let's just say he was really, really, REALLY drunk. I knew I could totally handle him, so I just let him build up some confidence while I finished my martini.  
  
Then, just as he invited me to go on a date with him, I turned around, and I received my second bruised fist for the day. Gaston fared much worse. As far as I know, his eye is still black to this day.  
  
What can I say? I have a tough fist and no fear of getting into a fight! You know, now that I think about it, I so could have taken that old witch out when I had the chance. Darn! NOW I think of it! 


End file.
